The Kel Needs A Man Society!
by Nutz Nina
Summary: The masters of feminine wickedry Alanna, Buri, Daine and Ilane have whisked poor Kel away to learn of love, makeup and dresses. Guests to include Shinko, Lalasa and Yuki!
1. Prolouge

Not my best idea so far, but I hope you like it. I'll continue tomorrow evening.

* * *

Kel gawped in complete disbelief. 

"No! Ma! You can't think I _have_ to go through this?!" Kel appealed to her mother, desperate.

"I always taught you to be obedient to your seniors, Keladry." Ilane merely replied, her fan fluttering delicately.

Kel muttered, "Traitor," and harrumphed. "Why can't I just teach accept the post of Training Master _now_, instead of going through this torture and misery?"

"With no-one to look after you? Heavens! It's unfeasible, really." Buri said, peering at her nails.

"I hate you all."

"That's fine with us. _You're_ the one being taught the lesson." Daine said, back to back with Buri. She was plaiting her curly hair loosely, looking rather smug.

"But, Daine, I'm _older_ than you!" Kel protested.

"Actually, Miss Smarty-Pants, I'M older than you!"

Kel groaned. Protector of the Small and second Lady Knight of the Realm, was going to have a lesson, in love. Of all things. She had no idea why, but there it was. She had been offered publicly the post of Training Master, but Daine, Buri, Ilane and Alanna had whisked her away before she could respond.

They had plonked her in a plush armchair and told her that she couldn't take it, "Just yet!" Alanna had winked. Alanna _never_ winked.

She was doomed.

They told her that she would be the focal point of a group called KNAM. It stood for…Kel Needs A Man. She would be manipulated into trying dresses, reading tales of female warriors taking up lovers, and all manner of things she knew she would despise.

_Oh, goody._ Kel thought sarcastically. _I love Tortall._


	2. Of High Tea and Almost Dresses

Hope you enjoy this chapter, even if it wasn't updated yesterday evening as promised. Kel finds herself in Pirate's Swoop, enlightened with an alarmingly well-planned "break from the daily grind", before being sent into town with Daine and her mother. **NOTE: It _isn't_ finished, I'm afraid to say. I was going to have them go shopping, but it's almost my bedtime, and I wanted to give you something to read. I'll try and finish it over the next few days, and begin chapter three.**

I would like to send my kudos to the reviewers who've given me nice big _whooshes_ of imagination, inspiration and the warm, fuzzy feeling inside.

Before I begin, I do have a review poll for you, which you can choose to take part in or ignore. I would like to ask you which pairings you prefer the most; bearing in mind I will NOT include Neal: they are poor matches for each other. The have started as friends, although she _did_ have a crush on him, Neal has his Yamani Blossom and wrecking _that_ relationship - one between two of her closest friends - is something I imagine she would be horrified to do.

I would enjoy reeling off a list of names, but I'm no good with them so I'll miss them out, so just write down your three favourite, and I'll get back to you via review reply, with the results in Chapter Three.

Enjoy!

* * *

Kel had begun to accept her fate. She would be taught all manner of horrible, unnecessary things, and then she could go home. Who knows, perhaps they would not pick her up on it afterwards? Gazing dimly out of the carriage window, she watched the Pirate's Swoop castle come ever closer, and sighed. She knew when she woke up that morning it might not be her day. And, of course, she was right. Again.

The horses lurched to a stop, jolting Kel out of her reverie. She waited, impatient, for the driver to come and open the door. That had been her first lesson: riding carriages. She was told not to jump on a horse and ride into the distance, or get out herself, and took all of her will not to shoot out and shriek, "I can open bloody doors myself!" But she held herself in check, and thanked the driver, taking the offered hand to get out of the useless contraption.

Alanna and Daine followed her out of the coach, and waited for the second coach to pull up, holding Buri and Ilane. Once everyone was assembled, they made a loose formation around Kel, ignoring her protests, and followed Alanna into her home.

When they got in, Alanna turned around and said, "Welcome, Kel, to your home for the next week. KNAM think of this as a 'break from the daily grind' for you. So, e forbids you to send letters, or receive them -" She was cut off by George, practise sword at his hip, was merrily called,

"Actually, dear Lioness of mine, I must confess our glorious King - long may he reign - has forbidden you to forbid Kel to receive letters from him, if that makes sense. Good'ay, Kel. It'll be good to have some sanity around here." He gave her a fatherly hug and kissed Alanna's fury-red cheeks. She muttered a plea of mercy to her patron, and asked the maid to bring "The highest tea you can make us," to the parlour. With that, Alanna stalked down the large corridor to the parlour that overlooked the grounds.

A few minutes after they had settled (silent, trying to ignore Kel's malevolent stares), a knock came to the door, and two maids, Bessie and Alice, bustled in, large silver trays stacked high with cakes, teas, sandwiches and all manner of other goods. Kel stared in amazement: how in the heavens were they supposed to eat all of this _food_? It was crazy!

The afternoon feast was set down onto the upholstered tables, and the trays taken away by Alice, a young girl in her early twenties. Alanna nodded to Bessie, dismissing her with a smile. Bessie winked and exited. Alanna then turned to Kel, and told her in simple terms that she was to be taught how to handle high tea like a '_real_ lady'. Kel had the decency to use her Mask to hide her astonishment. Why was _high tea_ being brought into the subject of her teachings? She hardly took up any high tea invitations, instead offering a ride or a duel (the latter hardly taken up, ironically).

"Mother!" She appealed once more to Ilane, hoping she would protect from all this insanity. "I'm not _that_ hungry!" Ilane smiled and replied,

"Keladry, we're going to _share_, like _good little children_." She tried to keep the patronising hint from her voice, but failed appallingly. "We should start with tea, move onto pastries, then fruit and cheeses, I think, Alanna. Kel _never_ liked tea." Alanna laughed and delicately raised the bone china tea pot.

"Tea!" She pronounced proudly, and set out five matching cups and saucers. She began pouring the first one, explaining, "Pour it _slowly_, or it spits tea everywhere. Only fill it up about two thirds full, so there's room for milk and sugar." She looked up, holding her tea, to find everyone staring wide-eyed at her. "What?" She asked, suddenly irritable.

"You, you _poured tea! _Like a _lady!_ _You!_" Kel exclaimed, awe-struck. This was _Alanna_, the first Lady Knight is centuries, pouring high tea _perfectly_. She was amazed. Did it mean _she_ could pour tea? Be a _Lady_? Perhaps. Perhaps she could learn to wield the sugar pot for a while, instead of battle axes, crossbows or double handed swords.

Alanna glared at her, and reminded her frostily, "Just because people think me an axe-wielding, Godess-blessed maniac, doesn't mean I didn't have to learn about this too, you know. Now, you try, Miss I'll-Never-Have-To-Be-A-Lady." Kel sat beside her, noting the momentous occasion - sitting next to her _heroine_, in her _parlour_, having tea.

She gripped the pot, and shakily began to pour it. It was strangely heavy, and hard to control. How on earth could she hit the centre of a willow ring, only a hand span wide, with a breeze and a weighted lance, and not pour tea easily? She finally finished the first one, smiled, and moved to the next one, a little more confident about the whole affair. She finished the second, third, fourth, and was beginning the fifth when Daine piped up,

"Er, Kel? You may want to relax your expression. It's nice to know you scrub your tongue, but you look barbaric, really." Kel blushed, composed her face into a neutral Mask, and poured the last cup. "Bravo!" Daine praised, grinning. Kel passed out the cups and saucers, and then stared intently at her tea, as if it was about to sprout legs, plant itself onto the carpet, and grow to be a rose bush that grew exotic blue fruit.

Buri looked at her, and said, "Kel, it won't do magic tricks. You _drink_ it."

"I don't like tea."

"Not even with milk or sugar?" Buri insisted, surprised.

"Not even then."

"Then just pour in some milk, add a sugar if you like, sip it, look thoughtful, and thank your hostess!" Buri replied, amused. It was going to be a fun week.

"Anyone for a pastry?" Ilane asked, holding up the silver platter of crumbly foodstuffs. Kel groaned.

"Why can't high tea have _simple_ foods?" Kel lamented, eyeing the platter with distaste.

"Because that wouldn't be very posh, would it?" Ilane said primly, handing it to her youngest daughter, who hardly suppressed her cries.

* * *

"Oooooh," Alanna groaned. "I couldn't manage another _bite_."

"Small wonder, you ate so much cake!" Kel said, hugely unsympathetic. Hardly surprising, after having so much unwanted food forced upon her.

Daine seemed the brightest. After only sampling a small bit of each, she didn't feel as lethargic as everyone else. "I have something that will cheer you up, Keladry!" She said, with a look in her eye that should have sent Kel's insanity alarm bells ringing. _Loud_.

"I doubt it," Kel muttered, feeling mutinous.

"Dress shopping!" Daine exclaimed. "Your mother is coming too. You need three formal dresses, three day dresses, and a riding dress."

"Riding dress?!" Kel cried, aghast. "What happened to _breeches_ and _tunics_? They're _perfect_ for riding!"

"Not if you're riding with a special someone," Buri objected, grinning. "I've never had to," She continued, sounding extremely lofty, "But then again, I married the Commander of the King's Own."

"Daughter, dear," Ilane soothed, "It's only _dresses_. There's _much_ worse things that _that_, let me assure you. I promise no more dress fittings after this."

"_Fine_," Kel acquiesced. "But you'd better keep your promises."

* * *

Apologies for cutting it short, again. Don't forget to take part in the review poll! 


End file.
